The Problem with Praise

Praise. It's a good thing, right?

Not necessarily.

Although praise is positive feedback, the problem lies in the type of positive feedback.

Praise is often CONDITIONAL.
As kids, we often received praise for things that we did or achieved rather than for simply being ourselves. This might cause us to end up feeling inadequate unless we are producing or achieving, even though that may not have been the praise giver's intent.

As a result, we often get the unconscious message that we need to earn other people's praise in order to be loved. This message can promote self-doubt, low self-esteem, and anxiety.

Praise usually implies a JUDGMENT.
Positive labels suggest a comparison. After all, what is "smart" without its opposite -- "dumb?" What is "good" without its opposite -- "bad," and so on?

If you're praised for being "smart," then in your mind you could just as easily be called "dumb" if you make a mistake. If someone judges you "good," you could just as easily be labeled "bad" when you don't comply. Do you see how the negative labels are not an appealing proposition?

Positive labels are a catch twenty-two because no one can be "smart," "good," "pretty," "nice" or any other positive label all of the time! Positive labels can set up a future expectation that is impossible to live up to. When we realize this, we often feel like we must hide our true self from others when we don't meet that impossible expectation, or else we risk losing their praise and their love.

Praise conditions us to look OUTSIDE of ourselves for our feelings of self-worth.
When we receive attention in the form of praise, it conditions us to seek external validation rather than rely on our own internal feelings of satisfaction.

The problem with external validation is that we are never fulfilled because we know that praise -- and the approval and love that it implies -- can be taken away at any time. We have limited control over praise since it comes from
outside of ourselves. We can end up feeling helpless and a lack of control --prescriptions for anxiety.

No matter how much praise we get, it is never enough once you start riding the praise wagon. Why? Because we get hooked into using praise as a way of proving our self-worth. We require outside acknowledgement for everything we do in order to feel good about ourselves. This endless search for praise promotes anxiety and low self-esteem.

Praise focuses on the END RESULT rather than the process.
Praise is frequently saved until the completion of an event. The process of making mistakes and learning from our experiences along the way is not acknowledged nearly as much. This can make us feel that we need to
"do" and "achieve" in order to have value.

Praise does not often see who we really are.
We may receive praise for something that does not accurately reflect who we are. It can box us into fixed roles. For example, maybe you were praised for being an "A" student when you really wanted acknowledgement for your love of sports, even though you were not that skilled at them.

What Is Acknowledgement and Why Use It?

Acknowledgement is a helpful alternative to praise. It's a way to nurture others and ourselves that is descriptive and nonjudgmental. It leaves room to express our feelings. At the same time, acknowledgement promotes internally anchored self-esteem.

Ways to acknowledge are to describe your observations, ask questions, and reflect.

Describe your observations
When you acknowledge instead of praise, you use descriptive instead of judgmental words. Some people call this "sports casting." For example: "I am walking around the block. I take slow, deep breaths as I walk."

Reflect emotions
"You look really excited about finishing that project!"

Ask questions
"I can see that you are writing a note to your teacher. Will you tell me about it?"

Talking to Yourself and Others In a Nurturing Way -- Transforming Praise into Acknowledgement

Acknowledgment: "I helped my coworker with his proposal. He really appreciated it."

versus:
Praise: "I am a nice person because I helped him with his proposal."

Acknowledgment: "Thank you for picking up your toys. Now your room will be clean and we can find your toys for playing tomorrow."

versus:
Praise: "You are a good boy because you picked up your toys. I'm so proud of you!"

Acknowledgment: "I've been working on conquering that fear for several months, and now I have overcome it!"

versus:
Praise: "I am such a brave person!"

The next time you hear yourself using praise in your self-talk or in your dealings with others, try acknowledgement instead. Once you try it, you'll be hooked!

Deanne Repich - Founder and director of the National Institute of Anxiety and Stress, Inc., is an internationally renowned anxiety educator, teacher, author, and former sufferer who has helped tens of thousands of anxiety sufferers in more than 40 countries to reclaim their lives from anxiety, stress, anxiety disorders, panic attacks, anxiety attacks and social anxiety.

She is the creator of the Conquer Anxiety Success Program, author of more than one hundred articles, and publisher of the Anxiety-Free Living printed Newsletter for anxiety sufferers. She is a Member of Mental Health America and the Anxiety Disorders Association of America.