This issue includes...
1) TODAY'S MOTIVATIONAL QUOTE
2) FEATURE ARTICLE: The Problem with Praise
3) TELL US WHAT YOU THINK!
4) CONTENT FOR YOUR WEB SITE OR E-ZINE
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1) TODAY'S MOTIVATIONAL QUOTE
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"Do not wait; the time will never be 'just right'. Start where you
stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your
command, and better tools will be found as you go along."
-- Napoleon Hill
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2) FEATURE ARTICLE: The Problem with Praise
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Many of us were praised frequently growing up. We got lots
of kudos from our parents,
teachers, friends, and so on.
Well-meaning adults praised us to help bolster our self-
esteem and express their excitement about our growing
and learning.
However, praise might not be as useful as they thought.
What's the problem with praise? Although praise is positive
feedback, the problem lies in the type of positive feedback.
Praise is often CONDITIONAL.
As kids, we often received praise for things that
we did
or achieved rather than for simply being ourselves. This
might cause us to end up feeling inadequate unless we
are producing
or achieving.
As a result, we often get the unconscious message that
we need to earn other people's praise in order to be
loved. This message can often promote self-doubt, low
self-esteem, and anxiety.
Praise usually implies a JUDGMENT.
Positive labels suggest a comparison. No one can
be "smart," "good," "pretty," "nice" or any other label
all of the time. Positive labels set up a future expectation
that is impossible to live up to.
When we realize this, we often feel like we must hide our
true self from others, or risk losing their praise and their love.
Praise conditions us to look OUTSIDE of ourselves for
our feelings of self-worth.
When we receive attention in the form of praise, it
conditions us to seek external validation rather than
rely on our own internal feelings of satisfaction.
The problem with external validation is that we are never
fulfilled because we know that praise -- and the approval
and love that it implies -- can be taken away at any time.
We have limited control over praise since it comes from
outside of ourselves.
No matter how much praise we get, it is never enough
once you start riding the praise wagon. Why? Because
we get
hooked into using praise as a way of proving our
self-worth. We require outside acknowledgement for
everything we do in order to feel good about ourselves.
This endless search for praise promotes anxiety and
low self-esteem.
Praise focuses on the END RESULT rather than the
process.
Praise is frequently saved until the completion of an event.
The process of making mistakes and learning from our
experiences along the way is not acknowledged nearly
as much. This can make us feel that we need to
"do" and "achieve" in order to have value.
Praise does not often see who we really are.
We may receive praise for something that does not
accurately reflect who we are. It can box us into
fixed roles.
For example, maybe you were praised for being an
"A" student when you really wanted acknowledgement
for your love of sports, even though you really
were
not that skilled at them.
Acknowledgement is a way to nurture others and ourselves
that is descriptive and nonjudgmental.
It leaves room to
express our feelings. At the same time, acknowledgement
promotes internally anchored self-esteem.
Ways to acknowledge are to describe your
observations,
ask questions, and reflect.
Describe your observations
Use descriptive instead of judgmental words. Some people
call this "sports casting."
"I am walking around the block. I take slow, deep breaths
as I walk."
Reflect emotions
"You look really excited about finishing that project!"
Ask questions
"I can see that you are writing a note to your teacher.
Will you tell me about it?"
Talking to Yourself and Others In a Nurturing Way --
Transforming Praise into Acknowledgement
Acknowledgment: "I helped my coworker with his
proposal. He really appreciated it."
versus:
Praise: "I am a nice person because I helped him
with his proposal."
Acknowledgment: "Thank you for picking up your toys.
Now your room will be clean for playing tomorrow."
versus:
Praise: "You are a good boy because you picked up your
toys. I'm so proud of you!"
Acknowledgment: "I've been working on conquering
that fear for several months, and now I have overcome
it!"
versus:
Praise: "I am such a brave person!"
The next time you hear yourself using praise in
your self-talk
or in your dealings with others, try
acknowledgement instead.
It is a freeing experience!
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Deanne Repich is the Director
of the National Institute of Anxiety and Stress, Inc., a
former
anxiety sufferer, and creator of the Conquer Anxiety
Success Program. The course is a "take-action" self-study
program that guides you step by step through over seventy
practical strategies for overcoming anxiety. The course, our
newsletter, and other helpful resources are available at:
http://www.ConquerAnxiety.com
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3) TELL US WHAT YOU THINK!
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4) CONTENT FOR YOUR WEB SITE OR E-ZINE
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You now have permission to reprint these Anxiety Tips
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Deanne Repich is the Director
of the National Institute of Anxiety and Stress, Inc., a
former
anxiety sufferer, and creator of the Conquer Anxiety
Success Program. The course is a "take-action" self-study
program that guides you step by step through over seventy
practical strategies for overcoming anxiety. The course, our
newsletter, and other helpful resources are available at:
http://www.ConquerAnxiety.com
-------------------------------------------------------------------
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Copyright 2001-2005 by the
National Institute of Anxiety and Stress, Inc.
900 E. Pecan St., Ste. 300, PMB 305
Pflugerville, TX 78660
All rights reserved.
Article copyright
July 13, 2005
Disclaimer: All material provided in this newsletter
is provided
for informational or educational purposes
only. No content is
intended to be a substitute for
professional medical advice,
diagnosis, or treatment.
Consult your physician regarding the
applicability of
any opinions or recommendations with respect
to
your symptoms or medical condition.
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